I'm sad today. Actually very very sad. And I'm confused cause I dont know where to go !! Hold on, I'll explain exactly what I'm going through soon, but before that let me narrate the first time I 'felt' socially responsible.
I was a kid myself, travelling with my father on one of his official tours. My father was driving his car through a remote village in Madhya Pradesh. We stopped at a local joint for a cup of tea... The joint was too shabby for me to get out of the car & I remained inside... While I was in my car a dirty little girl, probably all of five years, (Sadly, that is how the poor & homeless children in India are) started knocking on my car window to sell me some peanuts. I looked away pretty disgusted with the persistent brat (I am ashamed for being such a snob). That is when the joint owner, annoyed with the girl for troubling his customers, decides to take some action. He holds the girl's shoulder & drags her away. Then he spanks her buttocks a couple of times & ruthlessly throws her on the ground. Wailing she gets up and walks away while rubbing her back where he hit her. Tears welled up in my eyes. I felt ashamed for being so proud of myself. I felt guilty cause I was responsible for that girl being hit. Had I had a little bit of compassion I could probably have obliged the girl & bought some peanuts. It would've cost me nothing but it could have saved that baby some precious tears. This incident affected me deeply. My heart wanted to adopt the girl & take her with us immediately... But I knew it was not me but my parents who would have to take her responsibility. So I resolved to build a home for destitute children whenever I grow up...
Time passed... Years went by. I'm not a kid anymore. I finished schooling, college, professional education & am now working for the past two years. I do think of the little girl time & again. But never enough to do something about it. I always had other priorities.... Then I got a fantastic excuse... I will earn some money, be able to afford it and then I will build a home for them... The thought made me feel good...
Sometime back I decided to leave India. I had great plans to join my aunts & cousins in beautiful Australia. I was thrilled with the idea. My parents agreed & started making arrangements. I told my closest friends about my plans. My dream about building a home for these kids was conviniently forgotten. It just didnt fit into my scheme of things. And of course I haven't been able to earn enough money yet to afford it. But last night I couldn't sleep. I saw a wonderful movie - Rang De Basanti. It was about this bunch of collegians who wanted to enjoy life. They are however aware of the state of affairs in our country, the corruption, the poverty, the lack of basic amenities. They criticise the nation for it & have a simple solution - leave the country cause they cant expect anything out of it (I used to think pretty much on the same lines). One of their friends is an air force pilot who dies in an air sortie cause his jet plane was fixed with old & defective parts. There is a political furore over his death & it is announced that he was a rash pilot who caused his own death. This is a rude shock to this bunch of youngsters who decide to avenge their friend and awaken the nation to fight corruption. All of them fight for justice and are brutally murdered by the system - but not before they stir the sea of humanity in the nation - including my soul.
All of a sudden I remembered those days when I wanted to do something for my beloved country, when I wanted to join the police force to prevent crime, when I wanted to be an air force pilot to protect our homeland, when I wanted to give homeless children a better living, when I wanted to form a political organisation to fight corruption. I am filled with remorse that I plan to leave my country with all these unfinished dreams. I am consumed with guilt when my practical mind tells me that I dont have the funds to do anything. I have decided I need to do something. I know I need to make a difference. I love my country. I need to make her a better place to live.
But I am not able to find the courage to stay. My heart says I cannot leave. My mind says I can always come back. I want to stay... But my dear readers...... if my determination fails me, if my soul proves weak, if I harden my heart and close my eyes, if I refuse to stay back... please hate me for it!
I was a kid myself, travelling with my father on one of his official tours. My father was driving his car through a remote village in Madhya Pradesh. We stopped at a local joint for a cup of tea... The joint was too shabby for me to get out of the car & I remained inside... While I was in my car a dirty little girl, probably all of five years, (Sadly, that is how the poor & homeless children in India are) started knocking on my car window to sell me some peanuts. I looked away pretty disgusted with the persistent brat (I am ashamed for being such a snob). That is when the joint owner, annoyed with the girl for troubling his customers, decides to take some action. He holds the girl's shoulder & drags her away. Then he spanks her buttocks a couple of times & ruthlessly throws her on the ground. Wailing she gets up and walks away while rubbing her back where he hit her. Tears welled up in my eyes. I felt ashamed for being so proud of myself. I felt guilty cause I was responsible for that girl being hit. Had I had a little bit of compassion I could probably have obliged the girl & bought some peanuts. It would've cost me nothing but it could have saved that baby some precious tears. This incident affected me deeply. My heart wanted to adopt the girl & take her with us immediately... But I knew it was not me but my parents who would have to take her responsibility. So I resolved to build a home for destitute children whenever I grow up...
Time passed... Years went by. I'm not a kid anymore. I finished schooling, college, professional education & am now working for the past two years. I do think of the little girl time & again. But never enough to do something about it. I always had other priorities.... Then I got a fantastic excuse... I will earn some money, be able to afford it and then I will build a home for them... The thought made me feel good...
Sometime back I decided to leave India. I had great plans to join my aunts & cousins in beautiful Australia. I was thrilled with the idea. My parents agreed & started making arrangements. I told my closest friends about my plans. My dream about building a home for these kids was conviniently forgotten. It just didnt fit into my scheme of things. And of course I haven't been able to earn enough money yet to afford it. But last night I couldn't sleep. I saw a wonderful movie - Rang De Basanti. It was about this bunch of collegians who wanted to enjoy life. They are however aware of the state of affairs in our country, the corruption, the poverty, the lack of basic amenities. They criticise the nation for it & have a simple solution - leave the country cause they cant expect anything out of it (I used to think pretty much on the same lines). One of their friends is an air force pilot who dies in an air sortie cause his jet plane was fixed with old & defective parts. There is a political furore over his death & it is announced that he was a rash pilot who caused his own death. This is a rude shock to this bunch of youngsters who decide to avenge their friend and awaken the nation to fight corruption. All of them fight for justice and are brutally murdered by the system - but not before they stir the sea of humanity in the nation - including my soul.
All of a sudden I remembered those days when I wanted to do something for my beloved country, when I wanted to join the police force to prevent crime, when I wanted to be an air force pilot to protect our homeland, when I wanted to give homeless children a better living, when I wanted to form a political organisation to fight corruption. I am filled with remorse that I plan to leave my country with all these unfinished dreams. I am consumed with guilt when my practical mind tells me that I dont have the funds to do anything. I have decided I need to do something. I know I need to make a difference. I love my country. I need to make her a better place to live.
But I am not able to find the courage to stay. My heart says I cannot leave. My mind says I can always come back. I want to stay... But my dear readers...... if my determination fails me, if my soul proves weak, if I harden my heart and close my eyes, if I refuse to stay back... please hate me for it!
Love
G.
2 comments:
hey gen..
great post!!! really great post!
i totally understood what u meant when u wrote how u were caught in 2 minds about staying & flying...
the thought brushed my mind some years ago, but i managed to become strong enough to face the truth that 'corruption, systemic problems et al' are not a good enough excuse to flee the country. i decided to stay put whatever happens and mustered enough determination to succeed even here. i'm writing all this at the risk of sounding high falutin just to say that i don't think success and staying back in india are mutually exclusive! whether to build a home or not is another story!
way to go gen. vert few ppl even give it a thot..
these r certain feelings all of us experience one point in our lives.. but a few handful of us listen or respond to dem.. we conveniently ignore dem for the sake of watever it may be..
i have fallen for dis country n its ppl.. however they may b.. but u gotta do wat u hv to.. or atleast watever ur heart n mind decides..
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