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| Christian after his first 12 hour sleep |
Before telling my story, I would like you to know that I love your work and your philosophy. You and your mentor Dr Sears have been my parenting heroes for the past 5 months or perhaps even since before Christian was born. And it is precisely because I admire you so much, that I feel the need to share my experience.
5 months ago I was blessed with a healthy, beautiful Christian. I had a long but happy labour and there he was on my body, bobbing his tiny little head towards my breast, thoroughly confused! Soon I was wheeled out of the delivery ward into recovery and I was hit by the tornado of contradictory advice all new mums face: "Feed every 2 hours" "Never let him sleep longer than 4 hours at a stretch" "Feed on each side for 10 minutes, and never spend more than 20 minutes on one side" "Do not let him comfort suck for long". Predictably I started doubting my instincts. That's when a very helpful midwife walked past my room and when I brought this up with her she gave me one rule "Do what the baby wants". And what a success that was! Christian was the happiest newborn ever and so was I. He fed regularly, always woke up within a reasonable time (I did let him stretch to a 5 hour sleep once nervously sitting next to his crib watching him like a hawk!), and hardly ever cried! I swore then to always trust my baby's instincts and to never let him cry!
5 days later, we were home, and our beautiful baby boy started sleeping peacefully in his cot from Day 1. I was amazed by how in tandem we were. I always woke up seconds before his first cry when he was hungry and I happily cuddled him till he fell back to sleep and gently placed him in his cot, where he would sleep till he was hungry again. Within weeks we put in place a bedtime routine; a gentle massage, warm bath, nursing, gentle rocking. By the time he was 2 months old he was sleeping "technically through the night" i.e. 5-6 hour long stretches! I never managed to get him to nap in his cot during the day but that never bothered me as I loved to let him sleep in my arms or in the sling as I finished up on housework.
I am sure you are wondering where I am headed with this, as so far everything I have said is in sync with your beliefs. But now I am reaching the part we need to talk about. When Christian was 2 1/2 months old we felt it was time for him to meet his grandparents and I flew across hemispheres from a cold Melbourne winter to tropical monsoons in India. Predictably, a change in time-zones, the change in temperature, an unfamiliar cot and potentially the 3 month growth spurt had an impact and suddenly Christian started waking every hour and a half at night to nurse. And I gave in.
Luckily I can function on very little sleep so this change in schedule wasn't that disruptive to me, but it did get me to start researching infant sleep. I was already a follower of Dr Sears' website and so when I came across your book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" and found that it was endorsed by him, I couldn't wait to read it and start implementing your ideas right away. Opening recommendations in your book described your approach as "Humane and sensitive" and "Wise and wonderful" while simultaneously judged the "Cry it Out" method as "Cruel to babies and young children". As "Cry it Out" was never an option for me and your book reinforced that thought deep in my psyche, I sat on my high horse and promised myself again that I will never let Christian cry.
So for the next several weeks, I patiently kept sleeping logs and stuck to my peaceful pre-bed routine. I sat next to him while he slept and watched for sleeping noises and crying sounds. I nursed him to sleep and I rocked him. I fed him, swaddled him and did whatever it took to make sure he rested during the day. But he still woke up every 2 hours and the constant waking up finally got to me and I fell in love with co-sleeping. I felt more rested as I could nurse him and drift back to sleep.
When Christian turned 4 months old I started following the advice meant for older babies. I developed a plan and followed it religiously but I had the sinking feeling things were getting worse. Not only was Christian feeding 14 times a day as a 5 month old, his daytime naps started getting even shorter. I tried pram walking, rocking him and even walking around the house with him in the sling for hours hoping he would get at least 30 minutes of daytime sleep! My poor baby was happy as ever but I could tell he was sleep deprived and I started to really worry. That is when, based on a friend's recommendation, I gave in to sleep training.
I invited a "sleep nurse" home and she asked me to put Christian in his cot and pat him. Predictably he started crying and every cell in my body wanted to pick him up. But the nurse asked me to do something I had never done before. She asked me to listen to his cry! Soon I could tell the difference between Christian crying out for me and Christian crying because he wanted to sleep. By picking him up with his first crying sounds all these months I was actually preventing him from sleeping and I had created a very tired baby. For the first time in months I really understood my baby. It wasn't easy and it took a couple of hours of back and forth comforting with every tear breaking my heart. Not only was it hard to see my baby cry, I was plagued with the guilt of being cruel to him. The only thing that kept me from picking him up was the knowledge that the "No-Cry method" didn't work for me. 2 days later here are the results:
- Christian started feeding once every 3 hours on average, including an 8-10 hour break at night (up from nursing every 90 minutes)
- He naps 3 times during the day, in his cot, for 45 minutes and naps are getting longer (up from 5-10 minutes in his cot or 25 minutes when held / rocked / carried)
- He sleeps 12 hours at night (Up from waking every 90 minutes)
- Sometimes, your approach may not work
- Sleep is essential for a baby's development and if the no-cry method does not work within a reasonable amount of time, it is important for parents to try a different approach
- And lastly, while crying is hard for both, mothers need to do what is best for their babies as opposed to stick to a pre-conceived notion of cruelty.
Love,
G.
